and their tears are falling down…
I should have known they’d be with me. Someway, somehow, They always are.
It’s my first visit to Tennessee since “the accident.”
My first trip without my other half. My anchor. My Charles.
The other anchor in my life, my other sweet Sammy, rode shotgun today, sniffling, sneezing and snotting the entire 11 hour trip. She sat beside me, heart pounding, anxiety mounting, as we treacherously inched through a raging rainstorm with one headlight, fog, mist and almost zero visibility. She hunched beside me as I gripped the wheel and I prayed over and over and over again-
Jesus-please.
Jesus-be near-
Jesus-cover us in your grace, your protection, your mercy.
Jesus-PLEASE. keep them safe-keep them covered-guide them to safety.
Because in front of me were 2 of the 3 children I have left on this earth. 2 of my precious babies were in a car, in front of me, in some of the most dangerous conditions I’ve ever driven in.
2 OF MY 3.
I simply couldn’t breathe.
And when we got here, to her home, the one my kids had never seen…it hit me like a freight train. Mercy and Sam were never physically here-
and yet, here they were. On every wall, in every room, on almost every surface. bits and pieces and memories. Everywhere.
And it hurt. Like you wouldn’t believe, it stung. My sister, their aunt, not me, their mom-seemed to have more ways to remember them in her home than I did. Little pictures dotted almost every surface & wall, butterflies peeking out, superheroes smiling, a lovely little corner of their things.
So I escaped. I hopped in the car, bound for the grocery, as usual. Tears poured down my face in the blur of the night…and the radio that had sat silent the entire day- it suddenly beckoned me.
Seek me.
Search me.
Find me.
And I did.
For the first time in at least 10 years, THIS. SONG. PLAYED.
‘Cause there’s holes in floor of Heaven…
and her tears are pourin’ down.
That’s how you know she’s watching’
Wishing she could be here now…
And sometimes if you’re lonely
Just remember she can see
There’s holes in the floor of Heaven
And she’s watchin’ over you and me
So I had another hissy fit-(to which I firmly believe I am completely entitled.)
I told Him again, for the thousandth time, how outraged I was. How completely infuriated I was with His lack of a miracle for my babies. How they don’t belong in Heaven in yet, THEY BELONG WITH ME.
This is not supposed to be my life…
Yet it is.
So I thirst like a withering vine in the desert for any tiny reminder, any little “sign,” any shred of a memory or moment. I cling desperately to the little things.
Like songs from decades ago-songs that remind my lonely heart that my precious little people are still and will always be with me, that He is with me, walking beside me, carrying me, drying my tears and gently reminding me that they are NOT gone, they are just waiting for me.
In Heaven.
Dammit-I’m stuck here, I’m left here, beseeching Him, actually… BEGGING HIM…for the peace to trust His voice, hear His whispers and fulfill His plans.
I’ll wait here, fighting with all I am for what is left of my family and believing in His promises.
I’ll wait here, safe in the knowledge that He created me knowing I would live this life and He will walk/carry/drag me through it, one single moment at a time. (He might well be doing some dragging right now.)
Quite simply, I know it’s not a coincidence that I write- in His infinite wisdom, He knew it would help me find my center someday in a painfully topsy turvy world. He knew I’d use it somehow and He knew every one of you would read it. Because He. knows. us. He knows every choice our lives will be directed by, so He creates us to survive them if we fall into His arms and beg Him to show us the way. He KNOWS we are fatally flawed, He knows we will fall, and He loves us in spite of it all. Because He created us to serve Him for the number of days we will walk this earth. And He knew my babies would be in His care far too soon-
For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13-16
Which means that I must remain squarely in His care.
So I will open my eyes and my heart WIDE-alert for every little reminder, overwhelmed with the love my sister and each member of my family has poured out over us and covered us with as we faced our first season of our Savior without Mercy and Sam.
I will study and memorize every picture I see here, I will turn every corner and see their faces. I will hold Sammy’s blanket and Mercy’s skirt, I will inhale what remains of their scent and be thankful. That they will never be forgotten, not ever. And that when I am too weak and weary to build my little remembrances-my family will do it for me, holding me up, anchoring my heart and preserving my loves. One memory, one memento, one picture at a time.
With love,
clan mac mama
clan mac mama
