is how I feel today. Grieving your children when you have no home is beyond draining.
Maybe it’s why I can’t seem to find my way in my grief.  It’s so frustrating to feel aimless and without rest.  I desperately want to see and hold their things, to sleep in my own bed, to wrap myself in their blankets and smell their clothes.  To look everyday at their pictures on my walls and to see the earthly things they covered in their sweetness and presence.  I just feel stuck.

AND-
Grief is simply exhausting-

Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
Psalm 31:9

I am simply. so. tired.
Grieving my children, grieving the loss of all I knew to be true of my life here on earth, just grieving-is quite honestly the most exhausting thing I have ever walked through.  And that is saying a lot.  I gave birth to 5 children in 7 years, 3 of them in a 17 month period, so I know exhaustion.

Every night is a round robin of fitful sleep, followed by mornings that I don’t want to face.  Each day brings new hours to fill with things I don’t want to do, because everything reminds me of their absence.

We’re buying a house.  A house that doesn’t have rooms for them.  A house they never lived in.  A yard they never played in.  A house.  We’re buying a house.  A house I pray we’ll fill with new memories and love.

Why?  I just couldn’t do it.  Couldn’t live where we lived before.  I couldn’t walk in those same places all the time, drive the same roads, live the same life.  Because my life will never be the same.

God spoke to me through a friend yesterday.
I’ve been consumed with anger and frustration.  With the unknown.  With the WHY?
He placed her in just the right moment with just the right words to remind me of this truth.

He sees what we do not.
He knows what we do not.
He is sovereign.

This morning he reminded me to…
Be. Still.

I’ve never been very good at being still.  Of waiting on Him or His guidance.  Like a steam locomotive, I tend to plow ahead, sure I know what destination He is pointing us towards.

Guess what.  The destination isn’t here.  It’s not of this world.
The destination He points us toward is eternity with Him.  And that’s where my babies are.
So for now, I’ll spend my time pushing forward like a steam locomotive, serving His purpose,  in this world,  with the ultimate destination in mind.  Eternity with Him and my babies.

Mercy & Sammy-I love you and I miss you so immensely that I can’t put it into words that even begin to touch how I grieve.
Tell Jesus we love Him and I’m glad you’re safe with Him if you can’t be with me.

love,
clan mac mama