A house I never wanted, in a place I wanted to come back to in 3 years.  When we were done at Parris Island and ready to start yet another USMC adventure.  With all FIVE of our kids.  

When they called on Friday and said they could deliver them 5 days early, I wanted to feel blessed.  I wanted to be grateful.  Instead, I felt like I was going to vomit and pass out all at the same time.  

Our life is on those trucks.  Our old life.  The one where we were happy and had 5 amazing kids.  The one where we couldn’t really believe how blessed we were.  The one where our biggest worries were homeschooling and then paying for college for our kids, what we’d do when Charles retired, whether or not our kids would rebel or stay true to the Lord, if they’d move away or stay close, if we’d finally answer the call to adoption on our hearts, if we might finally get to take a trip alone, just the 2 of us, for our 20 year anniversary.  That life where we loved Jesus, went to church and prayed about how we were going to glorify Him in our new home, a place we really didn’t want to go, but were going anyway, because the USMC said so.  

This life?  It gives a WHOLE NEW MEANING to loving Jesus.  Because, let me tell you something…loving the Lord is SO easy when it feels like you’re just. so. blessed!   New job?  I’m just so blessed!  New home?  I’m just so blessed!  Won an award?  I’m just so blessed!  Had a great day?  I’m just so blessed!  5 healthy kids?  I’m just so blessed!  Career success? I’m just so blessed!

Wait.  2 of my children died.  

Blessed?  Do I feel blessed?  

In a million ways, I actually do.  But is it an automatic thought?  Seriously?  NO.  

Am I blessed?  Well, duh.  I still have 3 amazing kids, a fantastic husband and a whole potful of people who love the heck out of us.  I have food on my table, clothes on my back, a warm bed to sleep in and a community of believers that still amazes me.  

But….loving God is so much simpler when you think He gives you what you want, what you “deserve”, what you decide you need.  It’s a whole new ball of wax when the tables turn and you’re the tragic story on the news.  Talk about NOT FEELING SO BLESSED.  

Back to the automatic thought thing.  

I have to CHOOSE to feel blessed right now.  I have to CHOOSE to be thankful.  I have to CHOOSE to accept God’s grace and peace in a time that feels like hell on earth.  When my whole body feels like it’s covered by a 5,000 lb concrete slab and I just. can’t. breathe.  

Am I choosing it every minute of every day?  

Again, NO.

But, am I choosing it some of the minutes of my day?  

YES.  

Tonight I chose to ask for prayer from some prayer warriors-I CHOSE to ask for them to intercede for me in my anger, my sadness and and my frustration.  

And they did.  And instead of breaking sh*t and yelling and sobbing, I’m typing this.  Because they prayed for me and I felt it.  I was covered by the power of the Holy Spirit that spoke into my heart. 

So…am I blessed?  Always.  

Does it make my days easier or take my heartache away?  Unfortunately, NO.  But it gives me this….

Hope.  

Hope that I will find grace and forgiveness.  Hope that I will be a good and faithful servant to the God who created me.  Hope that I will exercise my free will in a way that brings honor and glory to the one who created it all.  And finally, HOPE…that God’s love will be more so much more powerful than any pain I feel and that I will allow it to heal me, and my husband, and my children.  

Thank you, Kellie, for letting the Holy Spirit prompt you when you sent this to me for the 2nd time in 2 days…

So I will wait.  

I will praise.  

I will stand upon His rock.  The only rock that can support my 5,000 lb weight and take it from me.  

2 26 ft trucks.  

Filled with an old life.  

Please pray for the new one.  For the steep incline of the mountain we have yet to climb, the valleys of grief we will fall into and the bumpy, cobbled road we’ll travel for now and maybe, for a very long time.    

With love, 

forever the clan mac mama of the 5 many mini macs