are my nighttime companions lately. Blue Bear was Sammy’s favorite buddy that he commandeered from Charley several years ago and Teddy was MY Kringle bear that Mercy discovered in a box some time ago and just fell in love with.  There was no travel completed, no nighttime endured and no snuggle time complete without those 2 loveys.  Now I find myself unable to go to sleep without them wrapped in my arms, secure in my love.  I’d set myself on fire to be able to wrap Mercy and Sam in my arms instead of a stuffed substitute.

Reality has set in.
Every step I take…
Every store I visit,
Every breath I suck in…
I’m reminded that I will live the rest of my time here without my sweet children.  No more family pictures where bribery must ensue to ensure 7 smiling faces, no more SUPER SAM jumping out of the car or off the bunk stairs like a storm trooper, no more pirouettes from sweet Mercy, no more pantry invaders or chocolate thieves.
Reality sucks.

24 years have passed since I slept with a stuffed animal.  I took Nana’s teddy with me to Boot Camp because she left us 4 days before I hit the yellow footprints at Parris Island.  And my children left us just 9 days before we were set to go back there.  What is it about Parris Island and my family?…If anyone ever tells me we need to move back there, I might punch them in the throat.

Every day I struggle with having enough FAITH to let God carry me.  Faith to believe that He will someday bring us great JOY again.  Faith to believe that there is NOTHING I could have done to change the outcome of that day.  Faith to believe that my time with them was real, not a dream and that I really did do my best.

Regret sucks too.
Regret for time wasted, angry words, frustration, impatience and too many no’s.  Too much busyness, too much house, too much to do.
Regret for memories not shared when I was SO BUSY.

Thankful.
I’m thankful for the gift of being their Mommy.  It’s a gift I wouldn’t give back even if it meant I didn’t have to feel this horrible, awful, soul sucking sadness and pain.

Nights are awful.  If I fall asleep soundly, I usually wake too many times to count, haunted by weird dreams, empty arms and holes in my heart.

Sweet Jesus, please give us rest.  Our Eva, Charley and Max need us.  And we are so tired, so sad, and so shattered that we can’t do it alone.
I only want to see one set of Footprints.  Because, Jesus, I need you to carry me.  For a long time.

Because he loves me, says the Lord, 
“I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he
acknowledges my name.  
He will call upon me and I will answer
him;
I will be with him in trouble, 
I will deliver him and honor him.”
Psalm 91:15

love,
clan mac mama