What is it about the New Year that makes us want to reinvent ourselves? That makes us set new goals, make resolutions, promises to ourselves and others? Ok, so 531 years ago, did some smelly renaissance man decide that he wanted to reinvent himself to win over the love of an equally smelly renaissance woman? And did he just so happen to do it on Jan 1? SO, maybe he won the love of the woman, told his friends…who told their friends…and, well you know how it goes. And here we are, some 532 years later, using the Gregorian Calendar date of Jan 1 every year to decide that, WELL, I’ve completely screwed up last year, so this year I’ll try REALLY hard to be a brand spankin’ shiny 5.0 version of myself.

And well. THAT is what I’m doing this year.

Technically, I didn’t completely screw up the last year. I had a great kid, built a great house, started a great homeschool and set down roots in a great little town. I did, however, hit a wall going about 90 miles an hour a couple of months ago…which resulted in a pretty major “yep, you guessed it I’m really a lunatic…” meltdown the likes of which I have not had in a pretty long darn time. Some of you know, some of you don’t, but now you all do. I’m Bipolar. Nuts, looney tunes, wacko. NO, I am not like Richard Gear in that movie, I DO NOT think I can EVER fly. But yes, I do have a certifiable DSM IV actual mental wackiness that sometimes needs a pretty major tune up. I’ve known most of my life that something wasn’t quite right, I mean who REALLY needs all those shoes, categorized by color, heel height and season…and completely loses it when someone edges one out of place? Seriously, that’s not really how it is. (well, I am like that but it’s just because my Mom made me that way. LOL love ya Mom.) BUT, I have known it was something that made me different, something that wasn’t “like all the others…” as my fave sesame street puppets would say. Well, my aha moment was about 11 years ago when I read a book called The Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jameson. And it was like reading a book someone wrote about Me, without ever knowing Me. And it wasn’t about Me. But it was about somebody like me. And my doctors told Me that I was like Her. I was Bipolar I with rapid cycling. Ok, so I cried. And I’m sure you are all thinking, “well, gee I’d be sad too if they said I was a nut job.” Got news for ya. They were actually tears of joy. You try spending 29 years not knowing what the bloody blazes is wrong with you and then finding out it’s something as simple as that. Something they can treat, something that makes me just wacky enough to be memorable, something that OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TOO.

SO, fast forward about 11 years later. Most of the last 9 have been pretty even. Pregnancy and nursing seems to make me sorta happy. (THAT is scary.) So, since I’ve been knocked up much of the last 8 years, it has helped me stay (sorta) sane. BUT, I’ve kind of been riding the waves since mid 2007, not very well, I might add, and this year it all blew up right in my proverbial face. I guess all the stress of the last 2 years and mostly the last year really just hit all at one time and I smashed into that wall going 90 miles an hour HARD.

So, my husband handled it like he was in the middle of a war zone. (Which, technically I guess he was.) Cool, amazing, (mostly) calm, loving, kind, giving, really, I could go ON and ON. He is such my eternal gift from my creator. My kids were marvelous. And forgiving. And a beautiful reminder that I matter, am needed and looked up to. My family was kind, generous, supportive and just generally awesome. Thanks Mom for the ear, Dad for the calls just “to check on the kids,” Sam for the advice, Mark for being so excited to see us that it just made me smile through the tears and Susan & Al for riding in to give our kids some much needed one on one time and some real homecooked food.

I have to admit it was hard to go through this here, where I’ve fallen apart on a much grander scale once before. And it was hard not to have some of my older friends and supporters right here where I needed them. I would have given my left arm to have Cas down the street again. Kristina just a drive away. Connie around the corner. So many I miss & wish for, I can’t list them all. It’s hard to go through this in a place where people don’t know what to do. Don’t know how to react. Don’t know that having a meltdown doesn’t technically make you a crappy parent. It just makes you human. I also have to admit that there was some serious help from above…in human form through some divine encouragement I received from some of my park pals and prayer gals, you know who you are. And from the pal who captures the love of our family in images that bring tears to my eyes and her friendship nurtures my soul. And from one friend who swears she doesn’t know what to do with all the emotional fussiness but somehow manages to be such a rock for me. You know who you are and I’ll send a hug and many thanks over the cyberwaves so you don’t have to deal with all that teary crap. :0)

SO. It’s out there for all the word to read. Think what you will, judge if you must. (I guess some just don’t get the concept of “judge not, lest ye be judged.”) But know this. I am human and made in the way God intended. And I will love myself for what He made and I will seek His face to help me through and I will turn to those He has provided and I will always be honest about who I am. I lost that for a while. I found it again and I pray with every fiber of my being that I don’t ever lose it again. (Literally, because the hitting the wall part of being a wackadoo really sucks.) And I promise to try VERY hard to always remember what my good pal Lisa says, “it’s just a season, dear.”

WELL. after that mess is all up in your hair and the bee is out of my bonnet, I thought I’d let you in on my goals for reinventing my not smelly self.

I will…
spend more time laughing with my husband and my offspring.
eat a heck of a lot better, but never deprive myself of yummy treats.
get some damn exercise. I might be skinny but, damn if I’m not jiggly. YUCK!
enjoy teaching my kids all about the world and everything in it.
spend more time blessing others and paying it forward.
get my stupid degree.

oh, and live on a stinky budget. ugh.

THIS is OUR YEAR. Clan Mac, version 5.0
Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
love,
the clan mac mama