Honestly-I’m just thankful one more dreaded “1st” has passed.
I’m thankful for those who took the time to remember and acknowledge our sweet Mercy and Sam in this painful time, and to remind us of how much they were loved and are missed.
I’m thankful beyond measure for ALL of my children.
And yet-Every day feels like a surreal alternate universe, one that I pray I’ll wake from.
In 2 short days, 20 years of marriage will be upon Charles and I. 20 years. 6 months ago, I had dreams of donning my dress and having a quiet little ceremony in the chapel on Parris Island with my husband and children…just us, just them. I wanted them to witness us renewing those vows that we made so many years ago. Those vows that led us down the path to becoming their parents.
And now.
Now.
Exactly how does one celebrate such an amazing milestone when 2 of the most beautiful fruits of that marriage are no longer part of our earthly joy? I just don’t have an answer for that.
I pray every day that God will reveal His plans- I pray that they will be to spiritually prosper us, to give our hearts hope and a future, to show us how we can glorify Him with the words of our mouths, the actions in and of our lives, and the meditations of our hearts. I pray that He will meet us in our sadness, our brokenness and our longing.
Let me be very clear- There is no “reason” for our pain and our loving God didn’t “choose” us to suffer this. He simply met us there. He met & then carried our children out of their pain as they left this world so violently.
He carries us here moment by moment.
He is our undergirding and He is our strong tower. He and He alone, will be our redeeming grace.
In the bleeding moments of my brokenness, I have so often asked-“Have I displeased you, my God?” I haven’t just asked, I have shouted this, I have sobbed this. Because I wonder, every. single. day. WHY US? WHY my children? WHY? Have I lost your “favor,” my God?
Yet, this I know-
If the Lord granted His favor only upon those who looked as though they “deserved it”, the starving child in Ethiopia would never lack, the homeless mom who simply cannot find a job wouldn’t lack, the proud homeless vet who served his country wouldn’t lack, the martyr for Christ wouldn’t lack, the neglected and abused child wouldn’t lack. I don’t covet God’s favor, I simply covet His priceless love, grace, and redemption.
So today, I’m extraordinarily thankful for Christ and His sacrifice. And if I just keep my eyes and heart focused on Him, I can tune out the static of this world that distracts me from the hope I have in the promise of eternity with all of my precious babies and my sweet husband.
He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. 7 Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.
Revelations 21:6-7